Hey {{first_name|there}},
I once worked with a woman who had been in the field about twenty-five years longer than I had. Nearly every conversation seemed to end the same way.
"You need to tone it down."
She felt I talked too much. Asked too many questions. Had too many ideas. Took up too much space.
A word on conflict as an opportunity
I wasn't looking for criticism. I was looking for a mentor — someone who could see my curiosity and protect it. Someone who understood that people don't need to be made smaller to become wiser. I wanted someone who would say, Keep asking questions. Don't lose that part of yourself. Instead, I learned what it felt like to have someone mistake diminishment for mentorship.
But I kept asking questions. I kept raising my hand. I kept taking up the space that felt honest to me, even when I wasn't entirely sure it was safe.
I soon became an executive of that organization and used my position to pioneer programs that made room for other people to take up space, too.
When people ask us to become smaller, it is rarely about us. More often, our willingness to be fully ourselves exposes the compromises others have made with themselves. For a long time, I thought those moments were simply tests of confidence. They weren't. They were moments of conflict.
Enjoying nature after facilitating a Conflict Bravery™ session
